A friend sent me these, and I thought they were funny enough to post.  I mean, everyone can use some truly useful advice every now and then.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

• Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
• Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
• For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
• A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
• If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you’ll be afraid to cough.
• You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the W D-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
• If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem. But there’s nothing to worry about since Boss Compliance has a team of professional electricians who can handle any electrical repair.
  

Convinced that I knew the answer to this classic riddle, I was surprised when a recent read brought so many forms of enlightenment at once.

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”

We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.  We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.  The chicken is either with us or it against us.  There is no middle ground here. (George W. Bush)

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken cross the road, but
why it crossed, I’ve not been told! (Dr. Seuss)

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. (Martin Luther King Jr.)

In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. (Grandpa)

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. (Captain Kirk)

For the greater good.  (Plato)

Give us ten minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out.  (L.A. Police Department)

Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.  (Buddha)

To die in the rain.  Alone.  (Ernest Hemingway)

Could you define chicken, please?  (Bill Clinton)

The chicken did not cross the road.  I re-peat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.  (Richard Nixon)

Mmmmm.  Chicken.  (Homer Simpson)

To cross the road less traveled by.  (Robert Frost)

Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest.  Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.  (Sir Isaac Newton)

It saw Elvis on the other side.  (National Enquirer)

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road,” and the Chicken crossed the road.  (The Bible)

Happy Mac owner that I am, I still found this ad to be pretty funny!