Now I’m as up for cultural relevance as the next guy…
Except when the culture is stupid.
Friday Church Signs
5
Unchanging is a Tough Word
What follows has nothing to do with what I think of Dr. Laura (I like her) or of her radio shows (I used to listen occasionally) or of her Jewish faith (It gives us many common thoughts). My posting this is a lot simpler–spending a fair bit of time recently in the Old Testament laws of the Bible, some of this just struck me as pretty funny.
An Open Letter to Dr. Laura
J. Kent Ashcraft
May 2000
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
Learning
A man can always learn something new.
Let me save you some trouble by sharing a few recent lessons:
- Chrysanthemums are winning flowers. When you decide that your wife needs a visible reminder that you’re a great husband, these little beauties do the trick. The bonus: They last a long time. Translation: That visible reminder that you’re a great spouse … it stays for a while. You following?
- If you’re ever shopping at a large market in Bangkok, factor in the monsoon-type sweating. Those jeans that fit you just perfectly… you’ll be putting them on a different body when you return to Canada. Just saying…
- If you really want to know your community, ride your bike. You’ll notice things you never noticed before–things like yard and house details. You’ll also know quickly which streets have invisible inclines and just how windy it REALLY is out there.
- If you leave a piece of wooden furniture outside through a Canadian winter, you CAN demolish it with your bare hands the following summer–makes you feel mighty!
- If you want to break open a pinata but you wish to slow down the process, using chopsticks in place of a big stick definitely achieves the goal. Who’d have thunk?!
Class dismissed.
Go West, Young Man
Perry Lefko… he’s the CFL writer for Sportsnet. I read him regularly and usually quite enjoy him. Each week, he writes his predictions of the upcoming games.
HERE is what he wrote last week.
Below that set of predictions, one insightful comment was left by a reader…
“Does it surprise anyone that all his picks are the eastern teams…?? Prepare for a beating.”
And a beating ensued!
Lefko’s 0-4 week dropped his prediction record thus far to 1-11… OUCH!
Moral of this story: West is best.
Are You the Secretary?
I just finished mowing my lawn.
While I was in the front yard, two ladies visited the neighbours. When they turned towards my driveway, I knew they were our friendly neigbourhood JW’s. (If you don’t have any of these, you should move to a new place.)
They asked for my wife, who they normally chat with. Upon learning that she was gone, they settled for me.
The latest literature was put in my hand, and I listened politely.
After our visit, they asked what I do for a living. I’d say they were visibly surprised to hear that I worked for a church. With a different tone of voice than earlier in our conversation, the older one asked, “Are you the secretary?”
“Not in the strictest sense.”
I hope they come back.